Why I Spent My First New Year’s Alone in 2020
Written by Bethany Curee, God’s Daughter – Freckled & Free

Trust me, you are not reading that incorrectly. Kicked out. Things on the porch. Door Locked. Goodbye. Quite the shocker I suppose to most of you that know Tom and I. You’re probably thinking, “I thought they had a good thing right!?” “Didn’t they win cutest couple in High School?” “Woah, aren’t they Pastors?” The answer is yes, yes, and yes. However, that didn’t stop my husband from officially kicking me out of my own home. Now, I know what’s running through your mind —“The audacity of that man!” “Separating a wife and a mother from her family, from her children!?” “What nerve!” Some of you are wanting to slap him silly, or write him up a good heated note on your thoughts — or give him a ring to share a piece of your mind on how he ought to treat a lady. Well, before you do, just sit tight with me here a minute.

I never thought I would be spending New Years alone. To be honest it’s my first time EVER. This week has not gone how I planned and certainly not the way I intended to spend my time after the holidays. I imagined lots of time with my family and enjoying the presence of my husband being off for the week. You know, that’s quite a lot of fun flirt time to have and he is sure a fun guy to have around. We were going to spend the week working on projects together around the house (our favorite thing…or maybe it’s mine?). Either way, I utterly enjoy watching my working man do projects, it’s so handsomely. It gives you a good chance to admire the way God created a man with all his smart solutions for fixing problems. I suppose, I had to buckle to my planner ways, to allow a crack in the plan — something I am perhaps not good at.

So before you get back to ranting or going off writing dear Tommy Boy some hate mail, let me explain exactly what’s going on here. This year, per usual, my husband and I exchanged gifts after our children on Christmas morning. We enjoy gift giving and surprising each other, although, often he gets his gifts out of me beforehand and has a sneaky suspension of what his are (I’ve got to get better at not giving it away with a darn smile!). He is always able to conceal what he has for me and rings me around the rabbit trail of guessing. Even though he has fun playing games, he truly does excel at blessing me. He has a pretty good idea of what I like and I typically give him a good guided list to help with that. He finds much satisfaction in venturing off the list in what he likes to call his “risks gifts.” Every single year he takes those “risks” to see if he can nail it or fail it in his knowledge of knowing what his wife likes. He makes it a goal to go out of his way and get me something I didn’t ask for and he takes mental notes throughout the year (as do I) over things I mention but may have forgotten. Perhaps it’s a nice tactic for proving he does listen.

He got me some darling gifts I adored (a few pictured above), a necklace I wanted from Esty, but added bonus he had it engraved with Freckled & Free #winning, and a set of The Gospels I wanted. They are beautiful art pieces to me. BUT this year I knew my last gift was a surprise as he taunted me for days to get my wheels turning on what it could be. Saving what he deemed best for last and something that would blow my mind he said. My thoughts were racing on what it could be — a trip for the two of us? A new computer? A four wheeler? Fun project items for the house? The list of possibilities grew. Never in a million years did I expect to open what I did. Inside the much anticipated, much planned present, my grinning husband had wrapped a hand written letter that read this:

Not gonna lie, I was 100% in resistant. For what ever reason fear immediately filled me, and I know most of you are now freaking out in the opposite way of what you may have been above towards my husband. Most women would be screaming with joy, “Oh my gosh! What a dream! Heck freaking yeah! Momma is packing her bags! Adiós amigos. And so on.” I on the other hand was twisting like a child getting yelled at to do something they didn’t want to do. Stiff legs anyone? Tears were filling my eyes at the thought of being alone. And my husband truly knew I would want to refuse this and he was absolutely right. Somehow the thought of traveling alone with me, myself and I seemed quite the undertaking.

Now, please hear my heart, the thought, the kindness, the sacrifice and excitement that went into planning this from my husband and what he was offering me was most notable. So, why was I so petrified?

To be honest, I found it quite humorous that the absolute most thing I told my husband that I wanted for Christmas several times was just him. Time with him. He is my absolute favorite thing. I love everything about being with him. So why was he sending me away? I can only concur that he saw a need in me, something I didn’t see. The love he had for me sacrificed the love he has spending time with me. While I was going to be alone, he also would be without his helpmate. A single dad. That’s a lot of sacrifice for a man.

He gracefully knew I would react this way. I am thankful for his ability to forgive me and to take a non-offensive approach to my stubborn rejection of his gift. He freely let me share all my emotions toward this and despite my hesitation he was firm in not allowing me to back out of it. Sometimes we need a gentle shove.

I absolutely always long for a break, some solitude of alone time just to process my own thoughts, to write, to relax and to especially have quite time with Jesus. I just had no desire to venture out alone, outside of my house, to an area I am unfamiliar with. I had forgotten how to embark on a journey single handed. For the past 11+ years I have constantly had a child on my hip or begging at my leg for something they need, which I cherish truly. But I have found my safety in being a mother. It’s been so long since I have been truly alone that I’ve forgotten how to do that. I don’t know what to do, or how to hold myself if my kids aren’t with me. I’ve forgotten how to just be me, how to survive alone, process alone, make decisions alone and I suppose all these learning alone moments again quite scared me.

It’s such a silly thing really as a mother, you have many moments longing for “you” time and often when you get them you don’t know what to do with yourself. While you spend so much time thinking of which thing you can finally do, your time has already been used up. It’s a tricky thing. A love that burns deep for your children, and your husband, as well as a desire to remember hearing your own thoughts. As Tootles says in the movie Hook, “I’ve forgotten how to fly ,” and “Lost, lost, lost, lost, I’ve lost my marbles.” It quite feels like that Tootles. I’ve forgotten how to do things for me and accept things for me.

Perhaps that seems goofy to you and you’re thinking…“Come on lady it’s only a two day trip that any woman would scream for,” but for me it was hitting some apparent fear roots hidden deep and that was the real issue. I needed to mentally prepare for and process building up confidence to do this solo trip on my own (ridiculous I know). Besides that, I believe beneath it all was the fear of facing potentially hidden grief stored up and waiting to face me head on in my alone time. Without distractions from it, the loss of my Father in 2019, my grandma, and other deaths happening this year could stare me right in the eyes. These were extremely hard deaths to accept by two people I loved, admired and sought their advice on the Word often for. Losing them has been difficult to say the least but has also caused me to try to seize the day, to savor every moment and trust me I still have a lot to do there.

This lingering fear of losing moments with my loved ones patronized me into not wanting to leave their side. I have often said to my husband if we just lay here and hold onto each other nothing about this moment can change and nothing bad will happen. Let’s just stay here in our peaceful bed where everything is safe. Sadly, life doesn’t work like that. All we can do is try to slow down and dwell in each moment life gives us.

So while my fears danced around me, the Holy Spirit as He always does, reminded me, I am not alone and unknowingly I was not putting my trust in God for his divine protection when it’s just me and Him. How silly of me to forget! He is always gently correcting when we’re ready to hear it. I discovered this reminder while doing my new mother/daughter devotion book I got my eldest, Nakoda for Christmas. We are all always learning something and being shaped if we let Him.

So, here I am sitting in a lovely historic Airbnb apartment in a quaint little town, receiving a gift for Christmas I didn’t ask for. It’s exactly what I needed. To face my fears, to heal, to just be in my own thoughts allowing Jesus to fix them all, to set me straight.

To get the opposite of what you want for Christmas is sometimes just the blessing you need. My husband’s “risk” gift as he calls it was just the medicine I needed. I’m learning a lot about me, what I need and what needs to go from my heart. It’s amazing what two days alone in your own thinking air can do for you. I’ve prepared way too much reading material but I will see what I can tackle in this alone time and I think I’m now up for the challenge.

To my husband, thank you for seeing a need in me. For sacrificing a lot to give it to me and even though I fought you tooth and nail for pushing me out of my comfort zone, thank you for kicking me out of our home (temporarily) — I see you were choosing to sow into me, to refresh me, to give me my most precious gift — Jesus time.

Sometimes we can’t see all the love that surrounds us in the busyness of life. Sometimes we only see madness. But when we take a step back, when we take a breath and breathe, we truly can savor the blessings of life and adore all that it is. From this point of view you can appreciate receiving someone’s love for you.

I admire you Tom Curee, my husband. I truly see in you a man that works with all that’s within him to serve and bless myself and your family. You continually strive to please me in all ways and I see your desire for me to be impressed with your drive to go above and beyond to love me and lavish me. I notice the small details, I noticed the effort. My father would be quite proud. I find it quite sweet of you.

As God said in Ephesians 5:25-27, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” I believe, Tom, that you are truly working hard to do that. There are so many times I think I love you more and then you blow me away with your grace extended towards my emotional reactions to the things of life. You give me such grace, such forgiveness. I have much work to do loving you and serving you as Christ does.

For your great love for me, I accept, and I am grateful for your persistence and when necessary booking me a darling place and kicking me out of the house. And so you can read this and re-read this again, you were right, I did need it and I was capable of doing it. Thank you for yet another “risk” gift that sought to love me more than I ever imagined and for the first time ever, I’ve officially spent New Years alone.

Written by Bethany Curee, God’s Daughter – Freckled & Free

AND P.S. here is a little of what I did during my solo trip:

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I share these raw, real stories in hopes to inspire you, that good Godly marriages do exist. They take love, sacrifice and a heart of servantship towards each other. If you are struggling, there is hope for yours. Are you currently married and in need of prayer for that? Are you single and hoping to find the one God has for you? Let us pray for you. Marriage the way God designed is at the core of our heart. We are rooting for you! Comment below, and we would love to add you to our prayer list or send any encouragement found in the Word that we can. {Husband + God (in the center) + Wife} is always the key. Much love, Bethany.